My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
