I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
