He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
