Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
