My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
so much tequila, so little girl.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
