Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
