i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
well you can't waste a boner
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
