he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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