So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
