Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
