Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
