Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
where are you?
Hypothermia
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
