His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
