I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
