That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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