Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
