Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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