Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
