Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
