I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
