My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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