mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
