you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
