We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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