Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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