I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
