I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
