dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
