You're earring is so big in my mouth
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
