I just pynch a tree in the face
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
