Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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