Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Randomize
