i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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