FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
