I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
