If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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