Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
