My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
