Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
