Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
