shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
