pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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