You work out of a Hotel?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
