I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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