is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
