And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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