my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
