Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
