I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
