I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
