Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dear god my vagina.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
