He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
